A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Ar...

Women's Institute National Conference The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham , stood and said "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he...

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed ...

Subject: A true Rugby Tale The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt, and a flimsy cotton t...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the ba...

George W.Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you! You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people who weren't q...

Tale of the Irish Sausage Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are yo...

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

Mohammad the Afghan came to Manchester from the Middle East, and he Was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said, 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, Piss on...

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, 'Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.' The wife grimaces, 'But I don't like fishing!' 'Look! We're going fishing and that's final.' 'Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!' 'Right I'll give...

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove th...

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. 'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fai...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and retur...

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nea...