I've just sat down in the restaurant with my wife and ordered the hippo soup.

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet.

My wife has left me because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression

But don't worry.......... I'll return

I came downstairs this morning to find my girlfriend had gone and had left a note on the fridge door that said 'this isn't working, goodbye'.

Well I just opened the fridge and it's working fine.

You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes,
when you try and start a chainsaw!!!

My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.

"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.

"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.

"He fucking does now," I replied.

I saw a bloke on the train wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like.

" And right enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

“ I’ve got good news and bad news”, the doctor said.

“ I’m afraid we’re going to have to amputate your leg”.
“Fucking hell! What’s the good news?” I asked.

“See that young nurse over there with the big tits?

I fucked her last night.”

The only thing flat-earthers fear …....

is sphere itself.

Mail online: "world's oldest paperboy dies at 92."

94 are wondering where their Evening Telegraph's got to.

I keep making racist jokes about my dads thai bride.
He finds it really annoying...

And so does my dad

"Tell me what you want," I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string.

"I want my guitar back," she said.

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.

There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

Noah's diary :

Day 39. Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?