Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of Popcorn Kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

It's only my second day in prison, and I've already been brutally bummed in the showers three times.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not cut out to be a guard.

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.' She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.' Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.' But she was insistent on knowing, 'what is the problem?' I t...

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop.

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site...

A woman says to her doctor doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"

He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Men. Examine your own prostate by simply wiping your arse with Aldi value toilet roll.

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

Brilliant, my youngest brother and I going mental, said to him after the second goal we can score four or five, we could have got seven

I've just bought a house with old period features.

She fucking hates it when I call her that.

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."