I've just bought a house with old period features.

She fucking hates it when I call her that.

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

Glad you like them guys

I'm not saying you should totally distrust the internet, but there's a huge discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won,
and the number of iPads i own

What they should really say on those cooking shows: "Hello and welcome to 'Pointless Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life'. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than ...

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles.
Take one pile and throw it in the bin.

This stops you employing anyone unlucky.

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car we rushed in and caught the credits...

Car of the year 2024 as voted for by the readers of Women's Own is..........

A blue one!!

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"

"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"

"I know, son"

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

To the person who stole my antidepressants

I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.
I ended up having forty wanks.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast!
What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."

My wife left me because of my insecurities.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.