To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop.

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site...

A woman says to her doctor doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"

He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Men. Examine your own prostate by simply wiping your arse with Aldi value toilet roll.

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

Brilliant, my youngest brother and I going mental, said to him after the second goal we can score four or five, we could have got seven

I've just bought a house with old period features.

She fucking hates it when I call her that.

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

Glad you like them guys

I'm not saying you should totally distrust the internet, but there's a huge discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won,
and the number of iPads i own

What they should really say on those cooking shows: "Hello and welcome to 'Pointless Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life'. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than ...

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles.
Take one pile and throw it in the bin.

This stops you employing anyone unlucky.