THE TOP 5 F*CKS OF ALL TIME.... (5). What the f*ck was that? - The mayor of Hiroshima, 1945. (4). You want WHAT! on the f*ckin ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566. (3). Aw c'mon honey, who the f*ck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1997. (2). I need this parade like i need a f*ckin hole in the head! -...

Ray Manzarek, Doors Keyboardist, Dead at 74

My wife is pissed with me again!!!!

last night whilst she was asleep i slowly removed her
Tampon and replaced it with a party popper leaving the
string hanging out.....

that bitch has no sense of humour

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face...

Chinda goodunpropa denies the charge.!

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

A Gypsy girl is about to get married. Her Mum says to her, "Emerald,you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?" Emerald replies, "Shut up Ma, how's the fuck is he gonna fit his Transit Van in the kitchen sink...

I was told he wore boots and shoes too small for him when he was a boy.
The club doctor broke all his toes to straiten them out!

Ask him if he had his toes broken to fit his boots better!

My young son asked me what a c unt is.

I told him, "It's a very naughty word that means vagina."

"Daddy, what's a vagina?" he asked,

I said, "Son, it's something very special."

He replied, "Mummy thinks you're something very special."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pu...

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Got stopped in the street outside Boots today b...

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored, black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. And she points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, howev...