Weekly joke thread... Rebel banned from same...

[DB10GOONER]

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall, sweat pouring down his face. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[REB]

jackeen cuntslop






"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas
"The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European." - Phil Neville
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." - Alan Shearer
"I was a young lad when I was growing up." - David O'Leary
"We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match." - Ruud Gullit
"If they hadn't scored, we would've won." - Howard Wilkinson
"I have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something different." - Glenn Hoddle
"It was a game we should have won. We lost it because we thought we were going to win it. But then again, I thought that there was no way we were going to get a result there." - Jack Charlton
"The ageless Dennis Wise, now in his thirties." - Martin Tyler
"Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin." - Mike Ingham
"West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's his trademark." - John Helm
"Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras." - Peter Jones
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." - John Greig
"On the night, it just wasn't our day." - Gary Neville
"If you're not committed to winning, there's no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Kevin Keegan
"(In Barcelona) Look at these olive trees! They're over 200 years old - before the time of Christ!" - Bobby Robson
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

[DB10GOONER]

A Guide To Driving in Ireland:


1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstances should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot masage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strenghten your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers for entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Publib Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away. Wearing your seat belt only impedes your high-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

[wave of mutilation]

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

[DB10GOONER]

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam: "Is this a union house?

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive 18-year old blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[DB10GOONER]

An oldie but a goldie...

How does a redneck know when his sister’s got her period?

His Pa’s cock tastes funny...

[REB]

I got lost driving down a country lane last night and I pulled into a layby to check my map. When I turned on the interior light, I noticed that there were loads of other vehicles around. The filthy bastards were shagging on car bonnets, up against trees and one guy came over and started wanking onto my side window. It was only when I saw a couple of kids rolling in the mud that I realised that I had parked in a Pikey camp.

[RaM]

What do you find at a Lebanese garage sale??


All your old stuff.

[DB10GOONER]

I got lost driving down a country lane last night and I pulled into a layby to check my map. When I turned on the interior light, I noticed that there were loads of other vehicles around. The filthy bastards were shagging on car bonnets, up against trees and one guy came over and started wanking onto my side window. It was only when I saw a couple of kids rolling in the mud that I realised that I had parked in a Pikey camp.

Jaysus, I thought that was an excerpt from Wayno's diary...

[DB10GOONER]

6 reasons why men prefer guns to women;

1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22.
2. You can admire a friend’s gun and he’ll let you try it.
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo.
4. Guns function normally everyday.
5. A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
6. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

[REB]

thats all well and good mr kelly but can guns give blowjobs


sorry spuddy, just google blowjob to find out what it is

[DB10GOONER]

thats all well and good mr kelly but can guns give blowjobs


sorry spuddy, just google blowjob to find out what it is

[U.F.G Anfield '89]

An oldie but a goldie...

How does a redneck know when his sister’s got her period?

His Pa’s cock tastes funny...

how to you circumcise a redneck?
kick his sister in the chin.

what is the definition of a redneck virgin?
a 7 year old girl who can outrun her brothers.

[SPUDMASHER]

thats all well and good mr kelly but can guns give blowjobs


sorry spuddy, just google blowjob to find out what it is

Why google when Elayne is such a good teacher

[REB]

thats all well and good mr kelly but can guns give blowjobs


sorry spuddy, just google blowjob to find out what it is

Why google when Elayne is such a good teacher

well she defo could teach your mrs a thing or two on how to please your husband