Weekly Joke Thread...

[DB10GOONER]

I'll start her off!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[IW8Goalmachine]

How did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?


he was outstanding in his field

[goonersid]

A lesbian was rushed to hospital having collapsed, after licking dry, 90 fannies.
Doctors said she'd overdosed on crack.

[DB10GOONER]

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, 'Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

[Gooner_Sam]

Why can't blondes count to 70?

Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful

[DB10GOONER]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

[DB10GOONER]

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[gusher311]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

[DB10GOONER]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[Only One Tony Adams]

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

.........

[DB10GOONER]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor
for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the
jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[DB10GOONER]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[pixie]

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different branches, different levels. some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smilin faces. The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes

[DB10GOONER]

two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd
both still be alive.

[DB10GOONER]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"