Dont they look happy
The official joke thread
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59215
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
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SWLGooner
- Posts: 10483
- Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2007 5:58 pm
- Location: Islington Town Hall, applauding the fourth place trophy.
Very good. I do that sort of thing with Paint.NET. www.getpaint.net
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BournemouthRED
- Posts: 4104
- Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:43 pm
- Location: SE19
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flash gunner
- Posts: 29236
- Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 6:55 am
- Location: Armchairsville. FACT.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
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olgitgooner
- Posts: 7431
- Joined: Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:39 am
- Location: Brexitland
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on
your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital,
He was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new
suit.
That'll make me feel a little better.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'dlike a new suit.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60
years!' The tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised. 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see.Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'
The salesman shook his head,
'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you 'One hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on
your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital,
He was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new
suit.
That'll make me feel a little better.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'dlike a new suit.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60
years!' The tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised. 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see.Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'
The salesman shook his head,
'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you 'One hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Radford149
- Posts: 3295
- Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:47 pm
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olgitgooner
- Posts: 7431
- Joined: Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:39 am
- Location: Brexitland
American guy, living in Hong Kong. Picks up a nasty disease from a lady of the night. Goes to the American hospital for treatment. They tell the guy he needs an operation to surgically remove his penis.
Desperate for an alternative, he goes to a traditional Chinese doctor, for a consultation.
Chinese doc says "Typical American doctors. Always want do operation. Just make money. I tell you, you NO need operation.".
The Yank is delighted. And is sobbing with happiness.
Doc says "Yeh. No need operation. Two weeks, then penis fall off by itself".
Desperate for an alternative, he goes to a traditional Chinese doctor, for a consultation.
Chinese doc says "Typical American doctors. Always want do operation. Just make money. I tell you, you NO need operation.".
The Yank is delighted. And is sobbing with happiness.
Doc says "Yeh. No need operation. Two weeks, then penis fall off by itself".
