The official joke thread

[Postman]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, 'Wife,
we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.'
The wife grimaces, 'But I don't like fishing!'
'Look! We're going fishing and that's final.'
'Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!'
'Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and
the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!'
The wife grimaces again, 'But I don't want to do any of those things!'
'Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them!
I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come
back I expect you to have made up your mind!'
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, 'Well! What have you
decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?'
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, 'O.K. I'll
give you a blow job!'
'Great!' He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing
the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, 'Oh! It
tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all sh**ty!'
'Yes!' says her husband 'The dog didn't want to go fishing either.'

[Postman]

Mohammad the Afghan came to Manchester from the Middle East, and he
Was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket,
Piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket
And breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Mohammad took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the
Bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for
Ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What
Was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

[stearmaster]

Mohammad the Afghan came to Manchester from the Middle East, and he
Was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket,
Piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket
And breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Mohammad took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the
Bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for
Ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What
Was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[Charlie! Charlie!]

A bloke in in a bar chatting up a woman and it s going really well. As the crucial time of the night approaches he nervously asks;
"would you like to come back to my place for a coffee?"
She pauses and after some thought replies;
"I'm afraid i can't, I'm on my menstrual cycle".
"Thats ok" says the bloke "I'll follow on my moped."

[flash gunner]

A bloke in in a bar chatting up a woman and it s going really well. As the crucial time of the night approaches he nervously asks;
"would you like to come back to my place for a coffee?"
She pauses and after some thought replies;
"I'm afraid i can't, I'm on my menstrual cycle".
"Thats ok" says the bloke "I'll follow on my moped."

[DB10GOONER]

A bloke in in a bar chatting up a woman and it s going really well. As the crucial time of the night approaches he nervously asks;
"would you like to come back to my place for a coffee?"
She pauses and after some thought replies;
"I'm afraid i can't, I'm on my menstrual cycle".
"Thats ok" says the bloke "I'll follow on my moped."

Quality CC.

[tomkingsbury]

Mohammad the Afghan came to Manchester from the Middle East, and he
Was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket,
Piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket
And breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Mohammad took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the
Bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for
Ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What
Was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

i think that ones pushing boundaries there tiger.....

[flash gunner]

Blimey Tom didnt know you knew the boundaries If Tom says its close its close leave it there

[tomkingsbury]

Blimey Tom didnt know you knew the boundaries If Tom says its close its close leave it there

believe it or not i do have morals no and again!! altho i am white, i jsut felt that joke was bordering on being offensively racist - all that was needed was the aghan word to be exchanged for something else and we'd have another meltdown on our hands.....

but thats enuff from me, there seems to be alot goin on on here that is causing alot of probs for the nice people who try and keep this running (i'll take my tongue out of thier ass now!!), and it is only a joke thread - plus it was mildly amusing!!

[augie]

Blimey Tom didnt know you knew the boundaries If Tom says its close its close leave it there

believe it or not i do have morals no and again!! altho i am white, i jsut felt that joke was bordering on being offensively racist - all that was needed was the aghan word to be exchanged for something else and we'd have another meltdown on our hands.....

but thats enuff from me, there seems to be alot goin on on here that is causing alot of probs for the nice people who try and keep this running (i'll take my tongue out of thier ass now!!), and it is only a joke thread - plus it was mildly amusing!!

But how is it any different to the irish jokes that were so evident here last week ? Or indeed are they any different to the english jokes that we came back with ?
The difference appears we all recognise these jokes for what they are - a bit of light hearted banter and piss taking. People sometimes do need to lighten up a bit and I am talking about life in general not this forum specifically. Of course I do have another theory as to why one joke is classed as offensive but another isnt but the way things are right now is not the time to air it

[tomkingsbury]

But how is it any different to the irish jokes that were so evident here last week ? Or indeed are they any different to the english jokes that we came back with ?

very true augie, i guess one thing amuses one, offends the other (not that i was offended) and yes the irish/english jokes were in a similar category. i guess as my girlfriend is pakistani and she has had to deal with quite a few racist incidents in the lovely city of cov, altho the punchline was amusing, the elements were bordering on potentially causing offense to some people when this forum appears to be hanging by a thread anyway.

i guess i really shouldnt have said anything really!!

[Postman]

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[tomkingsbury]

[pixie]

Mohammad the Afghan came to Manchester from the Middle East, and he
Was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket,
Piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket
And breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Mohammad took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the
Bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for
Ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What
Was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

i think that ones pushing boundaries there tiger.....

It would be funnier told the other way round!

[Postman]

Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.