LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

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LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.
He says,'Open the vault skank'.
The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'.
The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off'.
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'.
The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.
The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'.
The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'.
So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking dificult is it'.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
:lol: :lol:

You have pm.

No sexy photos this time though - sorry, Spuddy is off on one of his no-nudity moral crusades and will not expose himself at this time. :D :wink:

Top Londoner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

Brilliant, cheers Lefty.
Got any Irish ones? :lol:



WENGER OUT

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Top Londoner wrote:Brilliant, cheers Lefty.
Got any Irish ones? :lol:



WENGER OUT
:shock: :lol:

Your bird does. About 500 million of them dribbling down her chin. :barscarf: :lol: :wink:

Top Londoner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Top Londoner wrote:Brilliant, cheers Lefty.
Got any Irish ones? :lol:



WENGER OUT
:shock: :lol:

Your bird does. About 500 million of them dribbling down her chin. :barscarf: :lol: :wink:

Fair play, and she's now my missus as we got married in Perth last February.
anyway, how's your missus these days? It's okay I'll just read the comments about her on a pub toilet wall in Dublin.
:oops:


:lol: :lol:


:wink:




WENGER OUT

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Top Londoner wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
Top Londoner wrote:Brilliant, cheers Lefty.
Got any Irish ones? :lol:



WENGER OUT
:shock: :lol:

Your bird does. About 500 million of them dribbling down her chin. :barscarf: :lol: :wink:

Fair play, and she's now my missus as we got married in Perth last February.
anyway, how's your missus these days? It's okay I'll just read the comments about her on a pub toilet wall in Dublin.
:oops:


:lol: :lol:


:wink:




WENGER OUT
:lol:

She's fine and says "hi". She also wants to know if you finally went ahead with the penis enlargement? :rubchin:

:-P :wink:

Top Londoner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Top Londoner wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
Top Londoner wrote:Brilliant, cheers Lefty.
Got any Irish ones? :lol:



WENGER OUT
:shock: :lol:

Your bird does. About 500 million of them dribbling down her chin. :barscarf: :lol: :wink:

Fair play, and she's now my missus as we got married in Perth last February.
anyway, how's your missus these days? It's okay I'll just read the comments about her on a pub toilet wall in Dublin.
:oops:


:lol: :lol:


:wink:




WENGER OUT
:lol:

She's fine and says "hi". She also wants to know if you finally went ahead with the penis enlargement? :rubchin:

:-P :wink:

Ok, ok. No more, or a mod (a proper one) might ban us both for personal insults and close down the thread until the Euro's are finished.

:barscarf:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Top Londoner wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
Top Londoner wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
Top Londoner wrote:Brilliant, cheers Lefty.
Got any Irish ones? :lol:



WENGER OUT
:shock: :lol:

Your bird does. About 500 million of them dribbling down her chin. :barscarf: :lol: :wink:

Fair play, and she's now my missus as we got married in Perth last February.
anyway, how's your missus these days? It's okay I'll just read the comments about her on a pub toilet wall in Dublin.
:oops:


:lol: :lol:


:wink:




WENGER OUT
:lol:

She's fine and says "hi". She also wants to know if you finally went ahead with the penis enlargement? :rubchin:

:-P :wink:

Ok, ok. No more, or a mod (a proper one) might ban us both for personal insults and close down the thread until the Euro's are finished.

:barscarf:
Best of luck finding one of those, mate! :lol: :wink:

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Naki_Gooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Naki_Gooner »

phpBB [video]

phpBB [video]

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled.
Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank..
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.''
Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!!!

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled.
Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank..
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.''
Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!!!
:coffeespit: :lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning he was on his usual route, delivering the mail...
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway...
His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin...
'Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented...
Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing... WHO AM I?'...
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How the hell do you play WHO AM I?'...
Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'
The postman laughed and said, 'Shit...!!! sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'...
'Probably a good thing you did Paddy,' Murphy responded 'Your feckin name came up 7 times!'

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Brightonnxtround
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Brightonnxtround »

2 blokes on holiday in Kenya when all of a sudden they spot a fucking lion bearing down on them
One of them starts to put his trainers on , fucking hell mate your never going to out run a fucking lion
1st bloke says I don't , I only need to out run you .

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

I've had to dump my blow up doll girlfriend


She had an over-inflated opinion of herself.


She blamed me for letting her down too often.


I just hope one day we can patch things up.

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