LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Talk about coincidence - BBC NEWS: Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition....

Can't believe they all had the same name....

Jock Gooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Jock Gooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:40 pm
In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
:coffeespit: :coffeespit: :coffeespit: :coffeespit: :coffeespit: :coffeespit: :barscarf: :barscarf: :barscarf:

Who wrote that, an Italian :lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Nov 14, 2019 9:44 pm
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
:coffeespit: some blinders but this one had me laughing out loud. On the train home. :oops: :lol:

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

To the creep who stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was €50 and the set-up fee was €1000. I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”



To the scumbag that stole my runners and hi viz vest you can run but you can't hide.


I was in the jewellers yesterday and was asked arrested, It seems
the sign in the window saying ..come in and pick your own ring means something else,

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

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Naki_Gooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Naki_Gooner »

Bought some trainers from a drug dealer this morning, dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

[URL=https:///]Image[/URL] upload image

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

wo Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree!

We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush."

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

My mate set me up on a blind date. He said "She's lovely lass but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".

I felt a right twat waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

Got a call off an old mate last night. He said "I fucking hate Scousers, you know. Where I live, I've got Scouse neighbours to the left and the right of me. More Scousers across the way. Bin-dippers living above and below me. Every *word censored* I bump into is a fucking dirty Scouse bastard!"

"I'm not surprised," I said, "After all, you're in prison!"

I laughed at this one even though i knew the punchline :-P

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

What do you get if you cross Donald Trump and Prince Andrew?
.
.
.
.
.
Murdered in your prison cell



poor Epstein :rubchin: :roll:

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

"Now John, did you enjoy the talk by the Faith Healer"?

"No, it was crap, even the blokes in a wheelchairs got up and walked out"

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________ ____________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________ ____________________ ____
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________________ _________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________ ____________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________ ________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________________ ____________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________ ____________________ _
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________ ____________________ ____

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________ ____________________ ____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________ ____________________ ___

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________ _________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________________ ____________________ _
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
____________________ ____________________ _
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________ ____________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

____________________ __________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

corkbarry wrote:
Sun Dec 22, 2019 7:06 pm
What do you get if you cross Donald Trump and Prince Andrew?
.
.
.
.
.
Murdered in your prison cell



poor Epstein :rubchin: :roll:
:lol: :lol:

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