LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Do female pilots sit in a cuntpit ?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

With petrol prices now at £1.30 a litre, it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

[Jock Gooner]

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

[StuartL]

Jeremy Corbyn has just issued a statement saying the Labour party is not antisemitic and anyone that says it is should keep their big nose out.

My favourite for some reason

Cheers lefty, some crackers in there

[Midz]

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[DB10GOONER]

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Motherfucker.

[DB10GOONER]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen.

Never saw her again. True story.

[StuartL]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen.

Never saw her again. True story.

Admit it was the other way round and I’d totally believe it

[DB10GOONER]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen.

Never saw her again. True story.

Admit it was the other way round and I’d totally believe it

Believe it Stu. And that's one of the milder stories from my depraved but very enjoyable youth.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen.

Never saw her again. True story.

Here's a true one too.

When I was about 16 I was banging this fit bird but we'd normally have sex round my parents house on Tuesday and Saturday when my parents used to go to the market.

Anyhow this one time round her house her parents were out but one of my mates had tagged along, in fact he was on the bottom bunk while me and this bird were on the top.

Well we got down to some light fingering and pulling on the vomiting rod, of course this led to her wanting more but gibbo (I've not changed his nickname at the time so I can embarrass him once more ) was arching his neck out to get a view.

So I flicked the light off, tipped her up and took her to heaven and back, her not being on the pill and me not having a safety jacket it was the old pull out on the vinegar stroke method.

So I whipped it out and shot my love juice all over Duran Duran, (I can still here it splatting that poster), but gibbo was still trying to get a glimpse, tbf it was probably the shortest part of a threesome ever achieved

Needless to say gibbo got millions of my potential kids all over his face, I can still hear him screaming, wretching and running to the bathroom hurling up

He actually had the front to call me the dirty fucker

Of course his new nickname was spunkface

[DB10GOONER]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen.

Never saw her again. True story.

Here's a true one too.

When I was about 16 I was banging this fit bird but we'd normally have sex round my parents house on Tuesday and Saturday when my parents used to go to the market.

Anyhow this one time round her house her parents were out but one of my mates had tagged along, in fact he was on the bottom bunk while me and this bird were on the top.

Well we got down to some light fingering and pulling on the vomiting rod, of course this led to her wanting more but gibbo (I've not changed his nickname at the time so I can embarrass him once more ) was arching his neck out to get a view.

So I flicked the light off, tipped her up and took her to heaven and back, her not being on the pill and me not having a safety jacket it was the old pull out on the vinegar stroke method.

So I whipped it out and shot my love juice all over Duran Duran, (I can still here it splatting that poster), but gibbo was still trying to get a glimpse, tbf it was probably the shortest part of a threesome ever achieved

Needless to say gibbo got millions of my potential kids all over his face, I can still hear him screaming, wretching and running to the bathroom hurling up

He actually had the front to call me the dirty fucker

Of course his new nickname was spunkface

Ashley Banjo - the artist formerly known as "gibbo".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen.

Never saw her again. True story.

Here's a true one too.

When I was about 16 I was banging this fit bird but we'd normally have sex round my parents house on Tuesday and Saturday when my parents used to go to the market.

Anyhow this one time round her house her parents were out but one of my mates had tagged along, in fact he was on the bottom bunk while me and this bird were on the top.

Well we got down to some light fingering and pulling on the vomiting rod, of course this led to her wanting more but gibbo (I've not changed his nickname at the time so I can embarrass him once more ) was arching his neck out to get a view.

So I flicked the light off, tipped her up and took her to heaven and back, her not being on the pill and me not having a safety jacket it was the old pull out on the vinegar stroke method.

So I whipped it out and shot my love juice all over Duran Duran, (I can still here it splatting that poster), but gibbo was still trying to get a glimpse, tbf it was probably the shortest part of a threesome ever achieved

Needless to say gibbo got millions of my potential kids all over his face, I can still hear him screaming, wretching and running to the bathroom hurling up

He actually had the front to call me the dirty fucker

Of course his new nickname was spunkface

Ashley Banjo - the artist formerly known as "gibbo".

I have so many stories of poor old gibbo and me getting him in trouble

[mcdowell42]

Went out and bought a map of the world. Put it on the wall. Told my wife "take this dart and throw it at the map. Wherever it sticks...that's where I'm taking you "
Turns out we're having 3 weeks behind the fridge...

[DB10GOONER]

Went out and bought a map of the world. Put it on the wall. Told my wife "take this dart and throw it at the map. Wherever it sticks...that's where I'm taking you "
Turns out we're having 3 weeks behind the fridge...