LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

StuartL wrote:
Wed Mar 18, 2020 10:17 pm
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed Mar 18, 2020 9:05 pm
I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.

One seems bigger than the others.
My pick of the bunch lefty - cheers mate, we all need a bit of humour (and tits) at times like these
:barscarf:

Just the two of us left, it's like some walking dead episode, I dont know yet how to post jokes over Morse code, dot dot dot dash dash dash, this could take a while, might be some of the shortest jokes known to man :lol:

gazzatt2
Posts: 131
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 9:54 pm
Location: Essex

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by gazzatt2 »

I don't post much on here
but read the forum most days
this thread and one bard pictures and corkbarrys are my most read :D

keep posting I need something in my 12 weeks of isolation

Gazza

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

gazzatt2 wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:20 am
I don't post much on here
but read the forum most days
this thread and one bard pictures and corkbarrys are my most read :D

keep posting I need something in my 12 weeks of isolation

Gazza
Will do my best Gazza, stayvsafe buddy

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My daughter's school teacher rang me today.

She said, "Sarah didnt turn up for school today, is everything okay?"

I said, "Her mother died last night I'm afraid, she's still trying to get to grip with things."

"Oh no, how's she's getting on?" She asked.

"Very well," I replied. "She's just made tea and is on her second load of washing."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. I

t comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Bob, I can't fucking sleep."

"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Fat chicks shouldn't brag about big tits. Having big tits because you're fat is like having a car that's fast because it's falling off a cliff.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman walk into an Irish themed pub in New York.

The bartender says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again!"

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant, but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I was sucking off this girl last night when I thought.

Hang on a minute.....

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven't had any bids so far but 12 people watching.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages.

Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

An eight year old choirboy catches the Priest masturbating in the confessional.

He says "Father, what are you doing"?

The Priest says "It's called masturbating my child, and you will be doing it yourself very soon"

"Why is that Father "? asked the Choirboy

The Priest replied "Because my fucking wrist is killing me"!

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8484
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I wonder how many calories women burn by jumping to conclusions.

Post Reply