LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had the girlfriend moaning last night. "Give it to me, I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
I told her. "Fuck off it's my brolly"

You Still "Da Man" LFG!

Thank you Mr Bard, had tons more on another iPhone but someone in Mexico decided they deserved it more than I did, fekin bandito

[Top Londoner]

England win Euro 2012, on penalties.

[Postman]

A skinny little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says,
'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...................
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'? .......Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

[Big Sac]

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

[Top Londoner]

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Quality.

[Postman]

Bit of footy trivia for you :
Did you know that Man United striker Danny Welbeck's grandad was a bomb disposal expert during WWll.
Yep his name was Stan!!!!

[OneBardGooner]

all of the above!


GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was aCalifornian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:


1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Can I get an AMEN!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I said to my girlfriend last night, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."

She thought for a minute and said, "Your cock's bigger than your brothers."


Mary had a little twat,
A teeny weeny hole.
Johnny couldn't fit it in,
his massive manly pole.
He sucked her tit,
Licked her clit
and tried to squeeze it in.
But nothing seemed 2 work 4 him,
He just couldn't fucking win.
So Mary Drank a lot of wine,
and smoked a bit of grass,
and just as she was passing out,
He slipped it up her ass!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

One day god created man
He stood back and admired his creation and thought.....perfect!

The following day he created woman, and as he stood back and looked at his creation ....

He thought Fuck me! that will need to wear make up!!!



Why do deaf and dumb girls only use one hand to masturbate..........so they can moan with the other one!


A patient says to her doctor, "Doctor, would you please kiss me?"
doctor says, "you are a very beautiful woman, but no. It would be against my code of ethics."
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, you probably shouldn't even be sucking my cock!"

[mcdowell42]

'What's the difference between a dead cat on the motorway and a dead banker on the motorway? There are skidmarks around the cat



A man is stuck in traffic. He asks a police officer about the hold-up and he replies: "The head of the Bank Of England is so depressed about the economy he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. So we're taking up a collection for him." The man asks: "How much have you got so far?" The policeman replies: "About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning


What do you call 12 bankers at the bottom of the sea with their feet in cement blocks? A good start


A London banker dies in poverty and so his local pub decides to raise funds for his funeral. One day a man walks into the pub and is asked to donate 20p for the fund. "What's it for?" he asks, and the landlord tells him. So he reaches into his pocket, hands him a £5 note and says, "Here, go and bury 25 of them."

[OneBardGooner]

One day god created man
He stood back and admired his creation and thought.....perfect!

The following day he created woman, and as he stood back and looked at his creation ....

He thought Fuck me! that will need to wear make up!!!



Why do deaf and dumb girls only use one hand to masturbate..........so they can moan with the other one!


A patient says to her doctor, "Doctor, would you please kiss me?"
doctor says, "you are a very beautiful woman, but no. It would be against my code of ethics."
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, you probably shouldn't even be sucking my cock!"

Yooo Da Man LFG!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Being a dyslexic I downloaded Grammar Checker!

Instead of checking punctuation I've ended up wanking over 65 year old women.


I got arrested after a domestic dispute. The Policeman said "why do you keep beating your wife"

I said "weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork".




Paddy's in the pub tellin' his mates about joinin' the Army & about his first parachute jump; Paddy describes 'we were 3,000 feet up, then 1 by 1, they started to jump; when it was my turn, I couldn't do it - no way!'

Then this big black guy pulled out his 12" cock & cried "If you don't jump, I'm gonna stick this baby right up your ass!"

Paddys mates asked 'Well? Did you jump?'

Paddy replies 'just a bit when it first went in!'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I asked my missus last night "Do you fancy playing a "Rape Role Playing" game?" She shrieked and said "NO!" I said "That's the spirit!"

[OneBardGooner]

Being a dyslexic I downloaded Grammar Checker!

Instead of checking punctuation I've ended up wanking over 65 year old women.


I got arrested after a domestic dispute. The Policeman said "why do you keep beating your wife"

I said "weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork".




Paddy's in the pub tellin' his mates about joinin' the Army & about his first parachute jump; Paddy describes 'we were 3,000 feet up, then 1 by 1, they started to jump; when it was my turn, I couldn't do it - no way!'

Then this big black guy pulled out his 12" cock & cried "If you don't jump, I'm gonna stick this baby right up your ass!"

Paddys mates asked 'Well? Did you jump?'

Paddy replies 'just a bit when it first went in!'

Oh! My feckin' ribs are aching.... Quality Absolute Quality LFG

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Being a dyslexic I downloaded Grammar Checker!

Instead of checking punctuation I've ended up wanking over 65 year old women.


I got arrested after a domestic dispute. The Policeman said "why do you keep beating your wife"

I said "weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork".




Paddy's in the pub tellin' his mates about joinin' the Army & about his first parachute jump; Paddy describes 'we were 3,000 feet up, then 1 by 1, they started to jump; when it was my turn, I couldn't do it - no way!'

Then this big black guy pulled out his 12" cock & cried "If you don't jump, I'm gonna stick this baby right up your ass!"

Paddys mates asked 'Well? Did you jump?'

Paddy replies 'just a bit when it first went in!'

Oh! My feckin' ribs are aching.... Quality Absolute Quality LFG

Cheers mr Bard, I'm one of those people who laugh at a joke today and read it again tomorrow and laugh again, maybe Ive just got no memory