LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -: "Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -: "Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

Very good mr bard

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was in australia with the wife recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet,

I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,

"Doc, please help me"

"Hey, what s up man?"

"My wife has
been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks doc, bye !"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team.... Because everyone that can run, jump and swim are already in America!!

[Eboue-Why?]

BREAKING NEWS: Fire crews are tackling a massive blaze at Robin Van Persie's house.......Poilce suspect Arsene.....

[DB10GOONER]

BREAKING NEWS: Fire crews are tackling a massive blaze at Robin Van Persie's house.......Poilce suspect Arsene.....

[olgitgooner]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -: "Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

That is absolutely brill. Well done Mr Cleese.

[Eboue-Why?]

Asked the wife for a w*nk last night. She started rubbing my dick with her keyring. I thought to myself, 'Is it me or is she fobbing me off?'

[Postman]

The makers of GoalRef & Hawkeye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.... Apparently it doesn't work with goalposts made from Jumpers

[mcdowell42]

I saw this girl crying in a pub, so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.

"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig."

"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied.

"You don't even know me," she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

"Because you have massive tits."

[Top Londoner]

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business waiting for the light to turn green.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack duct taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the pedal & sped off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the crossroads & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "** **Man ... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a Truck driver.

[Postman]

The Chinese Paralympic 5-a-side team has been revealed:

Sim Pul Twat
Won Lim Gon
Won Kee Eye
Fu Kin Mong
Wayne Rooney

[arseofacrow]

The Chinese Paralympic 5-a-side team has been revealed:

Sim Pul Twat
Won Lim Gon
Won Kee Eye
Fu Kin Mong
Wayne Rooney

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was chatting to my mate last night when he admitted to me that he always cries after sex.

I really didnt know what to say to something like that, other than "its your own fault you went to prison"

[arseofacrow]

I was chatting to my mate last night when he admitted to me that he always cries after sex.

I really didnt know what to say to something like that, other than "its your own fault you went to prison"

oh dear