LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm going to cum over my girlfriend's tits before I go to work as a game show host this evening.

Shoot first, ask questions later.

[DB10GOONER]

The doctor gave me two months to live, so I went straight home and shot my parents...

It would have broken their hearts to see me die before them.

[StuartL]

I've just broken up with my blow up doll girlfriend, although I did it nicely and let her down gently.
She didn't say much just let out a big sigh.
To be fair it was never going to work out as we'd been patching things up for ages.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've found Christmas time is the perfect get-out clause for almost being caught watching Porn

"WAIT, DON'T COME IN!"
"Why not!"
"I'm, erm, wrapping your present!"

I now owe my wife over 50 presents... and counting.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Last Christmas, my wife said she didn't want a present, so I didn't get her one. She went fucking mental.

"I know what I said," she moaned, "but when a girl says she doesn't want something, she means the opposite. Don't you know anything about women?"

So, using that logic, she'll be getting a cock up her arse this Christmas.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.

Remember, It's Christmas for priests too.....

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia...

I bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Shit, I overslept!

How many Chelsea managers did I miss?

[MegaGooner]

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.

Remember, It's Christmas for priests too.....

Keep up the good work LFLG

[brazilianGOONER]

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.

Remember, It's Christmas for priests too.....

[DB10GOONER]

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.

Remember, It's Christmas for priests too.....

As Homer says; "It's funny cuz it's true!"

[Postman]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The
girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

[DB10GOONER]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The
girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

The "girl" was Hlebby, wasn't she?

[Top Londoner]