LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

D
E
K
C
U
F

That's fucked up.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.

I say staff... but really it's just a big stick.

[Bradywasking]

My wife said that she is sick of me buying her gifts that are really for my benefit. Fuck that I thought knee-pads were a good idea .

[Postman]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ..
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect *word censored* before?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ..
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect *word censored* before?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

Like it Mr whoaaawhoaaaawhooaaaaa postman

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just been in the loft and found a 1979 copy of the TV Times.

Or as it's now known........"The Sex Offenders Register"

[brazilianGOONER]

i couldn't stop laughing at this

[g88ner]

i couldn't stop laughing at this

brilliant!

[StuartL]

I made a new years resolution to be more spontaneous, unfortunately I overdid it and combusted

[Postman]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says ' two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident' The blonde starts sobbing "that's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!" After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, " how many is a Brazilian ? "

[DB10GOONER]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says ' two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident' The blonde starts sobbing "that's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!" After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, " how many is a Brazilian ? "

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.