LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. On the other hand, If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

Chav Gags

How do you start an argument with a chav?
Speak!

What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
The burglar.

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

What do you say to a chav at work?
Can i have a big mac please?

What do chavs use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter!

If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to run him over?
It might be your bike.

What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"

Chavs in a car without any drum 'n' bass pumping on the stereo. Who's driving?
The police.

What do you call a chav in a suit?
The accused

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

An Essex School Girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!"

The Mum replies' "Where's that then sweetie?"

The girl says, "Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off and daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that is how you get babies!"

Shaking her head, the Mum says, "Darling that is so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers. jewellery, clothes and shoes!"

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

A vicar checks into a hotel for a night. Upon checking in he asks the receptionist, "A single room for the night, and I hope that the porn channel is disabled?"

She replied, "No its normal porn you sick bastard!"

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

Beach bar owners in Samoa have said that business has been slow since the tsunami but now regulars are starting to drift back in.

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1: 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying,...........'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................That's a great idea', he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f**kin' blanket.'

After a moment of silence .........................he farted

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

Top Londoner wrote:fact: 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

still my favourite joke

Big Sac
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 9:12 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Big Sac »

(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

User avatar
Postman
Posts: 352
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:21 am
Location: N5

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

Postman wrote:A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Ha ha ha ha :lol: :lol:

Top Londoner
Posts: 4992
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Taser the cuunt

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

Fosters Helpline


"G'day mate, Fosters help line. What's the problem dude?".
"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the vagina by a Hornet, and now her m!nge has completely closed up"
"Bummer dude".
"Thanks mate, bye"

User avatar
Postman
Posts: 352
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:21 am
Location: N5

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

My young son asked me what a c unt is.

I told him, "It's a very naughty word that means vagina."

"Daddy, what's a vagina?" he asked,

I said, "Son, it's something very special."

He replied, "Mummy thinks you're something very special."

adam719802
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:57 pm
Location: North London

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by adam719802 »

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife.
They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but
she has a lovely personality!"

adam719802
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:57 pm
Location: North London

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by adam719802 »

'Anfield is always a tough place to go to and win', said Steven Gerrard.

Post Reply