LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

John hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!..

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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her and Charles' wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on.
That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Prince Charles retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said "Please remove one's shoes, one's feet are killing one."

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it wouldn't budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder?" Charles yelled back. "I'm trying! But it's just so bloody tight!'"
"Come on give it all you've got," she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, "Oh god, that feels so good !"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that."

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out,"Oh god, this one's even tighter."

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: "That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!"

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

i was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks & asked why he was not being asked to leave. They replied "Because he hasn't shit himself,"

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Rosie_titters
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Rosie_titters »

Due to the lack of money in our household at the moment, I have told the wife "We are going to have sell your ring again", she weeped and pleaded with me saying "please, no it's still sore from the last time" :D :D

officepest
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by officepest »

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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Bradywasking
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Bradywasking »

Q...What is the difference between a Cow and a Tragedy ??

A..Scousers do not know how to milk a cow ...

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »


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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A 7 year old & a 4 year old are in their bedroom " you know what "says the 7 year old " I think it's time we started swearing, when we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you."
"OK"says the 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
" I'll have coco pops, bitch"
WHACK! He flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4 year old & said sternly " And what do you want?"
" Dunno, but it won't be fucking coco pops"

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue."

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America

and got over 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"

Driver says "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

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g88ner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by g88ner »

:coffeespit:

Brilliant 8) :lol:

arseofacrow
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by arseofacrow »

g88ner wrote:
:coffeespit:

Brilliant 8) :lol:
:coffeespit: :coffeespit:

Top Londoner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Top Londoner »

arseofacrow wrote:
g88ner wrote:
:coffeespit:

Brilliant 8) :lol:
:coffeespit: :coffeespit:

Just fucking brilliant.

:lol: :lol:

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Sorry Mods & Gooners - Off Topic I know, but what with all the transfer madness, I wanted as many people to see this as possible:

Tomorrow, MPs start debating the gagging law. [1] The government wants to rush it through parliament. [2] Our best hope of stopping them is to make sure MPs realise just what a dodgy law they are being asked to vote for. Please can you email your MP now and help build the pressure?

If passed, the gagging law would have a chilling effect on our democracy. From May 2014, draconian new rules would prevent non-politicians from speaking up on the big issues of the day. A huge range of campaign groups and charities – everyone from The Royal British Legion, to Oxfam, to the RSPB - are warning about the threat this poses. [3]

MPs need to know we won't stand for this – so please take a minute to email yours before Tuesday's debate:
https://secure.38degrees.org.uk/gagging-bill-MPs

It’s telling that so many groups who wouldn't normally agree with each other have united to oppose the gagging law. Groups that speak out in favour of hunting, windfarms, HS2 or building more houses are joining together with groups who say exactly the opposite. [4]

That’s because there’s one thing we should all be able to agree on: in a healthy democracy, everyone should able to express their views. And everyone should be allowed to get organised to highlight what politicians are saying and doing on the issues that matter to them.

Politics is too important to leave to political parties. When we speak up about decisions that affect us and the future of our country, we can often change things for the better. Are politicians really so arrogant as to think the UK would be better off if all these groups were blocked from campaigning?

Let’s come together quickly and tell MPs that this gagging law must not be passed. The first vote is on Tuesday, so please email your MP now:
https://secure.38degrees.org.uk/gagging-bill-MPs

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Ryanswannell
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Ryanswannell »

Wife's Diary:

Sat. 11th Sept.
Jack came home this evening in a strange, unhappy mood. I really don't know why though, he just wouldn't tell me. I asked if he was O.K, but he just glumly replied "hmm". After an hour of silently sitting next to each other watching the telly, we decided to go to bed. We made love, but it wasn't the same as usual. He just didn't seem interested at all. Afterwards, he turned his back and went to sleep without saying a word to me. I cried myself silently to sleep. I think he has found another woman.

Man's Diary

Sat. 11th Sept.
Arsenal lost. Got a shag though.

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

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