LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It is unfair to call Americans *word censored*; they lack the warmth and depth..

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

People are saying that calling assistant referees 'female lines-men' is offensive.

Agreed. I much prefer Flag-Slag anyway.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Son, if you piss really hard into the bowl, it makes your willy sound bigger."

"That's great dad, but you've ruined my cornflakes."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.

Then I thought, screw it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If you're on motorway and the woman driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing...

She will be changing lanes.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

This woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.

Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Breaking news, Joan Rivers has attempted the ice bucket challenge, but she slipped and kicked it instead.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis.

On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...

...well, that hand is busy.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Breaking News"
The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've started to wear a balaclava when I go to bed.

That way, if there's ever a break in, the burglars will think I'm part of the team.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The bloke who released nude photos of celebrities from the cloud this week is admitting he's on the run.

But apparently he's been given asylum by a shadowy group ...

known only as "Blokes".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Manchester United are fast becoming the Katie Price of English football.

They keep needlessly spending a fortune to boost what they've got up front and invariably get fucked at the back.

[Postman]

Postman Pats last day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Ulster fry: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato Taty bread soda with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F***him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."