LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
User avatar
OneBardGooner
Posts: 28300
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
Location: Dark Side Of The Mood

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

g88ner wrote:
arseofacrow wrote:
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Henry Norris 1913 wrote:lefty give us a joke- lefty lefty gives us a joke



:barscarf:
I shall try and put some on later Henry, the good, the bad and the ugly ones :lol:
You mean the g88ner, the Ike and the DB10?

:shock: :barscarf:
Given the choices, I'll take it up the wazzooo all day long :barscarf: :lol:
:shock: :shock: :shock: So DB was right! ? :wink: :wink: :wink:

User avatar
Postman
Posts: 309
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:21 am
Location: N5

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."

User avatar
Peeman
Posts: 2049
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:01 pm
Location: Wexford, Ireland

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Peeman »

OneBardGooner wrote:
mcdowell42 wrote:Oh dear,without pics and emoticons you don't have alot.

It isn't 'alot' it is 'A Lot.'

Technically is it not "a lot" :?: :oops: :twisted:

User avatar
OneBardGooner
Posts: 28300
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
Location: Dark Side Of The Mood

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Grammatically it is, as in not a lot :roll:

User avatar
OneBardGooner
Posts: 28300
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
Location: Dark Side Of The Mood

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

"Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."

but why would an Oirishman be buying a bike in a sausage shop??? :? :mrgreen:

User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 47320
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."
Racist. Banned.












:lol: :wink: :wink:

User avatar
OneBardGooner
Posts: 28300
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
Location: Dark Side Of The Mood

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Peeman wrote:
OneBardGooner wrote:
mcdowell42 wrote:Oh dear,without pics and emoticons you don't have alot.

It isn't 'alot' it is 'A Lot.'

Technically is it not "a lot" :?: :oops: :twisted:
Technically No - Depending on the manner and means of use of the term and thus how it is expressed 'grammatically' :mrgreen: :wink:

User avatar
goonertux
Posts: 893
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:02 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by goonertux »

The keepers at London zoo are struggling to get the chameleons to mate. The latest efforts included trying a form of animal viagra but still no joy. They are suffering from a reptile disfunction!

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex?

One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

How do women defy the laws of physics?

The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8353
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Post Reply