LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When I was a kid my parents used to make me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been to at least 10 newsagents this morning and can't find a single dirty magazine anywhere!

What's the world cumming too?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Registration on the first day back at school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ………………………………"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah …………………………….."here"

Fatima El Bindiri ……………………………….."here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ……………………………"here"

Ali Sun Al En ……………………..No answer

Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl at the back stands up and yells ........ "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for fuck sake !"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair'

Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Some kids knocked on my door trick or treating,

I told them to fuck off with their American shit, they said "nothing wrong with American culture mister"

so I shot the fuckers.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My daughter came running in and said, "Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden."

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"

She said, "Sucking each other's cocks."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Bloody millennials, walking round like they rent the place

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Its important we remember the true meaning of Easter", says the Archbishop of Cadbury.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The toothbrush was invented in Norfolk.

Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush.

Ha ha I am from Norwich

A young girl from Norwich wrote to an agony aunt in her local paper,

Dear Deidre I'm a 13 year old girl from Norwich and I'm still a virgin.

Do you think my brothers are gay?!

[DB10GOONER]

My daughter came running in and said, "Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden."

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"

She said, "Sucking each other's cocks."