LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Socialist jokes are not funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Lost my watch at a party...

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl.

Not on my watch.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Duct tape is silver... Silence is golden.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just met a woman who raps about equality for women everywhere.

She's called 'Feminem'.

[arseofacrow]

This week we're talking about Deep Sea Divers: Do they come up to scratch?

[DB10GOONER]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

Quality, Lefty. Quality.

[Top Londoner]

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

That reminds me of the quote.
Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he can rob the world.

Not a joke.


Anyway. Keep up the good work Lefty. You've told some good ones just lately.




WENGER OUT

[Henry Norris 1913]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

true story

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

true story

Exactly as spuddy told me mate

[DB10GOONER]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

true story

Exactly as spuddy told me mate

Spuddy - the dirtiest of the Ewoks.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.