LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress ....

I thought it was Fred Flintstone

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A cannibal father and son are walking tbrough the jungle when they discover a gorgeous blonde showering under a waterfall ..

The son says dad lets" fuck her then take her home to mum and eat her"

The dad says "No son lets fuck her take her home and eat your mother "

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Adele has contracted that flesh eating virus.

Doctors have given her only two decades to live.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Have you noticed how the Catholic church moves Easter every year to the same time as the kids are on holiday?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

SCOUSERS: Make sure you petition the government about it's plans to raise the retirement age.

It's very unfair of them to expect you to try and avoid work till you're seventy five.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The wife just asked me whether I love her or football the most?...

I said "Open your legs and I will show you"... ...

So I nutmegged her.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Apparently, up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty shat on a wall

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

f anything good comes out of global warming it will be that in a few years Dancing on Ice won't be on the fuckin TV...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I bumped into a cross eyed woman today and she shouted "You need to look where you're going!"...

I said "Fuck off, you need to go where you're looking!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just broken the british record for holding your breath underwater - 8 minutes 42 seconds.

It all started when a little girl in the swimming pool shouted "That's him, Daddy, over there!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.
The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."
He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"
The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers"."
"Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."
I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi.
"What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi.

Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"

The Englishman says, "fucking shoot me first".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A young bloke drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date.
When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he assures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a quick blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." "
No! I said no!"
"Darling... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes.
She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the prat himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the fucking intercom."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If the Starship Enterprise boldly goes where no one has gone before ....

How come they always meet somebody .

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said this morning.

"Against what?" I replied.