LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.

The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows."

The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front."

The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal.

So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."

They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A doctor starts having an affair with a much younger woman. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do--they won't consider abortion and don't want to put the baby up for adoption.
But the doctor's not going to leave his wife, and the young woman can't stand the thought of taking care of the child alone.
Several months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to his mistress, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened? "
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van.
He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up.
They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him.
The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van.
A few minutes later the same thing happens.
The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that"
The driver says " Do you want to try it?"
The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard!"

[DB10GOONER]

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

The Roman Catholic in me (oo-er, missus!) should be offended. But the dirty Dublin bastard (steady...) in me thinks that's piss funny!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A father and son walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?"
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"
A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your son fathead".
And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down the street? That's mine, the biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along."

[DB10GOONER]

A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van.
He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up.
They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him.
The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van.
A few minutes later the same thing happens.
The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that"
The driver says " Do you want to try it?"
The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
.....so I told her to fuck off.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.
He says,'Open the vault skank'.
The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'.
The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off'.
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'.
The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.
The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'.
The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'.
So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking dificult is it'.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.