LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[CloakedGooner]

I've heard that Netflix are making a documentary on the childhood of Jack the Ripper.

Apparently they're calling it "Jack the Nipper"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a bad acid trip watching Dr Who.

It was Psychodalek.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Doctor Doolittle,
if you are reading this, could you pop round to my house and tell my neighbour's dog to shut the fuck up.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.

It takes a while though.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife .

And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .

You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house .

But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I just donated £50 to an LGBT group.

I really hope it helps them find a cure.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. 

Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.  Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'  'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'  She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunnt and told me to fuck off.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Check it out guys I just found a list of every known gender.

MALE FEMALE

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Nothing says I have total faith in God more than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently I was only supposed to name one.