LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[mcdowell42]

I caught my son having sex today.

I then said to him, "Go to your room and think about what you have done!"

Five minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a *****

[mcdowell42]

My son asked if he could have a boy from school stay over tonight.

"Do you think he's gay?" I asked my wife.

"I think you should be more worried that it's one of his pupils," she replied

[Bradywasking]

Tony Pullis welcomed the flame to Stoke on Trent last week, they hope electricity and running water will follow soon.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had the girlfriend moaning last night. "Give it to me, I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
I told her. "Fuck off it's my brolly"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table... I walked passed and said.. "fucking amazing legs"...the girl giggled and said with a smile... "Do you really think so"... I said "definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!

[arseofacrow]

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Everyone's a critic

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the olympics. Just checked mine for the men's wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My dyslexic girlfriend text me saying she loved anal!
My excitement soon disappeared when I got home and found she had run off with my best friend Alan!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing ever.

She's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint!

[TeeCee]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[TeeCee]

What's the difference between Cheyl Cole and the Icelandic volcano?
One's still blowing Ash


I just don't understand my wife sometimes.Last night she let me stick my tongue in her arsehole.This morning, I took a swig of milk from the bottle and she said I'm disgusting?

A Gypsy comes home to find his teenage daughter masturbating with a cucumber. He said "that's fecking disgusting, I'm supposed to be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber!!'

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied "that was Gary Glitter"

The wife kept breaking the washing machine. So I divorced her and the washing machine has not broken down since.
It's true what they say in the adverts then.....Washing machines live longer with cow gone...

What do you call a German gynaecologist?
Hans Upperkunt

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate went to a psychic last week who told him he'd be coming into a large amount of money,,,,,last night he shagged a fat bird called Penny. How fucking spooky is that?

A man storms into a pub and angrily waves a gun around in the air and shouts, ''who the fuck has been shagging my wife?'' A voice in the background replies, ''you dont have enough bullets mate''.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me".

I said, don't show me it, let me guess, " is it a scarf"?

[OneBardGooner]

I had the girlfriend moaning last night. "Give it to me, I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
I told her. "Fuck off it's my brolly"

You Still "Da Man" LFG!