LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You'd never get planning permission to build a city on rock and roll.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Does anyone know how to fix a sat-nav?... ...Mine is broken, it keeps telling me Tottenham's in europe.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will...I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm just on holiday and got my girlfriend to smuggle some coke up her arse through customs. I didn't realise I could've just bought another can in the departure lounge.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After sex, there's nothing worse than finding a broken condom on your cock. Especially when you didn't start with one.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Harvey Weinstein told me if i sucked his dick, i would become famous. ....said a bunch of famous women.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Accidently said hello to a feminist the other day. My trial starts on Monday.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

come on lefty, we could all do with a laugh mate!

Some on there now gooner, can't promise they're funny

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys.

It's quite impossible to tell them apart , said one of the monkeys

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.

Told Mum that the girlfriend is retarded.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone.

Victims are yet to be identified.