LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The Greek Government is getting so desperate, it is starting to respond to emails from Nigerian millionaires

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I love being a doctor in a town full of blondes.

It's been two years and they still haven't worked out that women don't have prostates.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A Yank gets off the plane in Blackpool and gets into a cab, he gives the taxi driver the hotel name and off they set.. about a mile into the journey the Yank asks "whats that", the taxi driver replies, "thats the pepsi big-one, biggest roller-coaster in England, built in 1996 in 6 months costing 20 million, the yank replies...." we have one twice as big as that at home, only took 3 months to build and cost 40 million".

200 yards down the prom and the Yank again asks "whats that", the taxi driver again advises "Thats the south pier, largest pier in Europe, built in 1899 at a cost of 5 million in just under 12 months", the Yank replies...."we have one twice as long as that at home, only took 6 months to build and cost 10 million".

200 yards further down the prom the Yank spots Blackpool tower, he asks "wow whats that"

"Fuck knows" said the taxi driver, "wasnt there this morning."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

This website contains adult material that is not suitable for anyone under 18 years of age. If you are under 18 you are not allowed to use this site without parental consent"
"...MUUUUUUUUM CAN I HAVE A WANNK?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.
Well played Wally, well played.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Looks aren't everything, but you can't wannk over personality.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just watched the WKD advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a shit whilst his wife's taking a relaxing bath.
After laughing at it, my girlfriend turns to me and says, "I bet you a man made this!"

Course a man made it - it's an advert, not a Sunday roast

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."

I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now."