LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a cop," said the first man.

"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a fireman," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop man"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man was having some trouble in bed with his wife of 20 years, he kept finishing early. To remedy this he went to the doctors who told him to, before he gets home, masturbate until just before he comes, then to have sex with his wife and that he will be able to last. The man thinks about where he can have a ***** and decides on under his car on the way home because work is too crowded and he can pretend to be checking the axle or something.

On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road, lies down under the car pretending to be checking the axle, he closes his eyes and starts wanking, envisioning his wife. A little while later he hears footsteps and a voice called, "Hello sir, I'm a cop. Can I ask you what you're doing here?"
So the man, still with his eyes shut, said, "I'm just checking my rear axle officer."
To which the officer replies, "You might want to check your brakes too, sir, because your car rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.
"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Girls love surprises.

Girls love sex.

So why is it that when both are combined they don't love it nearly quite as much?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm so bored with life, I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish.

I'm past caring.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot Men, were in bed together when Bill turned to Ben and said, "Squibble squabble dribble dribble?"

Ben says, "If you love me you'd swallow that."

[OneBardGooner]

I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I work with the homeless mate - and that joke went down like a storm

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I work with the homeless mate - and that joke went down like a storm

Crikey you didn't tell it to them did you

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?"

Student: "Alive."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I realised I've got a road rage problem when my five-year-old daughter shouted, "Pick a fucking lane,you dickhead!" while sitting in my grocery trolley.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got fired on my first day as a bingo caller, I think some members complained of my inappropriate bingo lingo...

In particular...

"If there's hair on the muff, then fair enough, 15."