LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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OneBardGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby OneBardGooner » Sat May 05, 2012 8:26 am

you are Funny LFLG ! :high5:


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."


A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f*ck all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, dunnit ?

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Tue May 08, 2012 9:32 am

:lol: nice one Bardy

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Tue May 08, 2012 9:36 am

My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.


My wife said she is leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!!!!!

Had a valentines poem rejected today from moonpig.com! What's wrong with... roses are straight, violets are twisted, bend over love, you're about to be fisted!

Top Londoner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby Top Londoner » Thu May 10, 2012 5:54 pm

Top laughs. Cheers.

Maybe these should go onto the Baggies showdown thread to stop the misery there?

Top Londoner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby Top Londoner » Thu May 10, 2012 8:08 pm

A Jewish woman answers her phone.............(think Maureen Lipman)


'helllloooooooo?

A gruff voice at the other end says,

'I know where you live, andIi know what you want !!!! You want me to come over there and break your door down. You want me to strip you naked and lick you from your lips to your tits, stomach to your pussy and then you want me to screw your ass all day long,,,,,,,,,,, pant, pant.

The Jewish woman then asks,,, and you can tell me all this from just a hellllloooooooo?

Big Sac
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby Big Sac » Thu May 10, 2012 11:51 pm

A bloke goes to the doctors complaining that his arse is killing him as he had just been raped by an elephant.
The doctor thinking it was a wind up from one of the other doctors plays along, and asked the fella what happened.

"I was at the safari park earlier today and my car broke down. I know you're not meant to get out your car but I looked around and couldn't see any animals so got out to look under the bonnet. The next thing I know a big trunk wraps around my waist and an elephant starts shagging me!"

"OK " says the doctor, "drop your trousers and bend over, lets have a look".

The fella drops his trousers and bends over and the doctor is gob smacked. The blokes arse hole is huge.
"I have never in all my years...." starts the doctor, looking in to this gaping canyon, tapping around inside.

The doctor reaches for a couple of his medical books and starts flipping through the pages. Nothing in them helps. So he thinks for a bit.

He then says " I do remember watching on tv about elephants, their penises are about 2 foot long and about 10 inches round.

"Oh it was says the bloke, it was awful, I didn't know what to do"

"Indeed" says the doc, tapping around in his ring piece again. "But this is what doesn't make sense. An elephants penis is 10 inches round, but your arse hole is about 25 inches round, it doesn't add up".

"I know why" said the fella, "I forgot to tell you something..... He fingered me first"

clockender1
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great spurs insult

Postby clockender1 » Sat May 12, 2012 11:22 pm

overhead in the pub at lunch :

Spud : Yeah, i go to all their games....i'm their biggest fan.

West Ham fan : isn't that like being the smartest down syndrome kid, though ....?

spud : oh. (face drops)

:lol: :lol: :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Mon May 14, 2012 11:42 am

Old folks' bus trip to Torquay. Bus jerks when an old bloke is in the gangway, and he falls onto an old lady in the nearest seat.

He apologizes saying, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I'll see you in heaven.

Old lady replied, "If your cock's as hard as your elbow, I'll see you in Torquay!



My wife gave me £50 to go out and buy her something that makes her look sexy. You should of seen her face when i came home pissed.


I've got the results of Cheryl Cole's smear test here.

Just as I thought, it tastes delicious.

MutleyGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby MutleyGooner » Mon May 14, 2012 6:27 pm

If anyone fancies watching a film tonight 'Gone in 60 seconds' is on MUTV 8)

Rosie_titters
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby Rosie_titters » Mon May 14, 2012 6:58 pm

My wife said, "making love to you, is like being on a rollercoaster", i said "what, i make you scream and you want more". she said "no, it last less than 3 minutes and makes me feel physically sick".

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Wed May 16, 2012 7:24 am

My wife wanted sex in the Man United position.
When i asked what she meant, she said you know
When your on top for ages and cum second


Have a look on conjunctivitis.com. Its a site for sore eyes.

2 wpc dog handlers on the beat. One says 'Im cold, I left my knickers at the station', the other says 'let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch em'. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, a truncheon, 2 broomhandles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!!!

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OOKed
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby OOKed » Wed May 16, 2012 10:43 am

Image

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu May 17, 2012 4:15 pm

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft twat, its a trap!!''
His wife asks him ''What are you watching ?'' Husband replies "Our fucking wedding video"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu May 17, 2012 8:21 pm

A message - to the bloke in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket: -

You can hide but you can't run !!!

Rosie_titters
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Re: Friday joke thread

Postby Rosie_titters » Thu May 17, 2012 8:54 pm

i swallowed some scrabble letters today, i know when i go for a shit, it's going to spell trouble


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