LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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corkbarry
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Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:59 pm
Location: Cork

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby corkbarry » Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:02 pm

A man walks into a pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I am indeed from Manchester" replies the man nervously.
"And what exactly do you do on the Mainland?" asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."..

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corkbarry
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Location: Cork

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby corkbarry » Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:12 pm

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby corkbarry » Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:15 pm

John decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

John said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, He felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity, too.

John looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as a newborn and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your newborn size winky."
Sandy and John got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. He whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in John's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. He ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your winky was the size of a newborn infant!"
"Yes, it is. 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Fri Jul 05, 2019 10:07 pm

For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart and said we'd go wherever the dart lands.

I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks by the fuckin skirting board.

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby Postman » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:21 am

SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.


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