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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:02 pm
by corkbarry
A man walks into a pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I am indeed from Manchester" replies the man nervously.
"And what exactly do you do on the Mainland?" asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."..

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:12 pm
by corkbarry
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:15 pm
by corkbarry
John decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

John said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, He felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity, too.

John looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as a newborn and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your newborn size winky."
Sandy and John got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. He whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in John's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. He ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your winky was the size of a newborn infant!"
"Yes, it is. 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long."

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Jul 05, 2019 10:07 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart and said we'd go wherever the dart lands.

I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks by the fuckin skirting board.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:21 am
by Postman
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Sep 13, 2019 9:05 am
by Postman
I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2019 11:49 am
by Postman
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:22 pm
by Postman
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Macron sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2019 6:50 pm
by John F
Pc plod after attending a nasty incident at the local village fete "Can anyone tell me who was responsible for kicking the shit out of the Morris dancers there is claret and broken teeth everywhere ".
" I am so sorry" said the local vicar "it is my fault ,I thought it would be a good idea to get the local blind people involved in a game of football near where the Morris dancers practice and unfortunately I gave them a football with a bell in it ".

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 8:42 am
by Postman
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a shit,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with." Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy."Well use that," replies Mick.So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?" Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:41 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:44 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Steven.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:53 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
A Liverpool pensioner has died and left all his worldly possessions to complete strangers.

Although they were the original owners.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:54 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:55 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
Labour have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election.

The Conservatives now regard Liverpool as a safe seat.