LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:56 pm

Is it just me or has the increase in female MPs coincided with parliament not fucking listening?

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:58 pm

On the radio they've supported Mental Health Day with the tagline .."Remember you're not alone."

A bit fucking harsh on the schizophrenics.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:59 pm

A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog “I heard a good joke today” Second dog “Go on then” First dog “Knock Kno..... Second dog leaps up and goes berserk.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:00 pm

I went to go to the vagina museum but accidentally went in the building next door.

The place was a shit hole.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:13 pm

Her : "D'you wanna go upstairs?"

Me : "Oh Aye Sure"

Her : "Have you got protection?"

Me : "Why?... What the fuck is up there?"

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:21 pm

'Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!'

Just saving you the bother of reading Amanda Holden's mind.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:22 pm

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:24 pm

American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:26 pm

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.

I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:27 pm

Religion is basically an argument about who has the best imaginary friend.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:28 pm

Dear Deidre,

The other day standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:29 pm

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:30 pm

Its quite ironic that 'strap on' backwards spells 'no parts'

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:32 pm

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. And I'm thinking,

"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 7945
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Oct 12, 2019 1:37 pm

Seeing all the Celtic fans celebrating winning the Scottish Premiership reminded me of that time I broke open a bottle of champagne after beating my 6 year old daughter in an arm wrestle.


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