The Gooner Forum

Is it just me or has the increase in female MPs coincided with parliament not fucking listening?

On the radio they've supported Mental Health Day with the tagline .."Remember you're not alone."

A bit fucking harsh on the schizophrenics.

A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog “I heard a good joke today” Second dog “Go on then” First dog “Knock Kno..... Second dog leaps up and goes berserk.

I went to go to the vagina museum but accidentally went in the building next door.

The place was a shit hole.

Her : "D'you wanna go upstairs?"

Me : "Oh Aye Sure"

Her : "Have you got protection?"

Me : "Why?... What the fuck is up there?"

'Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!'

Just saving you the bother of reading Amanda Holden's mind.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.

I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

Religion is basically an argument about who has the best imaginary friend.

Dear Deidre,

The other day standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

Its quite ironic that 'strap on' backwards spells 'no parts'

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. And I'm thinking,

"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

Seeing all the Celtic fans celebrating winning the Scottish Premiership reminded me of that time I broke open a bottle of champagne after beating my 6 year old daughter in an arm wrestle.