LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub.

So I've started smoking.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A young girl from Norwich wrote to an agony aunt in her local paper, Dear Deidre I'm a 13 year old girl from Norwich and I'm still a virgin. Do you think my brothers are gay?!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Give a scouser a fish, and he can eat for a day.

Give him a fishing rod and he'll put it in your letterbox and nick your car keys.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand pussy?"

Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

PRETEND to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a fucking bag.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Looking at the weather app to check so I just asked Siri:

"Surely its not going to rain again today?"

It replied, "it is, and don't call me Shirley!"

Forgotten to take my phone off Airplane mode!!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her fanny...

I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow..."

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

:coffeespit:

Some top work there Lefty. :lol: 8)

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:56 am
:coffeespit:

Some top work there Lefty. :lol: 8)
Cheers dude, will try and get some on every week 8)

The Arsenal Way
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by The Arsenal Way »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:12 am
DB10GOONER wrote:
Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:56 am
:coffeespit:

Some top work there Lefty. :lol: 8)
Cheers dude, will try and get some on every week 8)
Some fucking great belly laughs again Lefty. A great tonic, cheers.
I sometimes read this thread from page1, again.
It's the onset of dementia, I think.
I think it's the onset of my dementia. I think.
Am I demented?

Shit is, I always forget the punchlines when telling the jokes at the clinic.

FACT :D

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

The Arsenal Way wrote:
Mon Oct 14, 2019 11:35 am
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Mon Oct 14, 2019 9:12 am
DB10GOONER wrote:
Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:56 am
:coffeespit:

Some top work there Lefty. :lol: 8)
Cheers dude, will try and get some on every week 8)
Some fucking great belly laughs again Lefty. A great tonic, cheers.
I sometimes read this thread from page1, again.
It's the onset of dementia, I think.
I think it's the onset of my dementia. I think.
Am I demented?

Shit is, I always forget the punchlines when telling the jokes at the clinic.

FACT :D
:lol:

I've got a mate who is so bad at telling jokes he normally tells me the punchline first, then says "no wait, let me start again" :lol:

Glad they made you chuckle.

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