The Gooner Forum

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.

Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.

Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

The night before Xmas

throughout the house,

we were all fucked,

even the mouse.

Dad at the brothel,

mum with uncle Frank,

I'd settled down for a nice slow *****.

Outside the house I heard a right clatter,

I let go of my cock to see what was the matter.

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick,

I knew right away It was old St Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.

The big fat fucker, I think he fell.

He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer,

and a big rubber cock for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,

the big fat *word censored* blew the house apart.

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,

Shoutin,I'll be back nxt year, have a hell of a night. Merry Xmas.

What did the Gender fluid teenager get for Christmas?

Ignored,the attention seeking twat.

"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.

"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied

At this time of the year it’s difficult to know what to say without offending someone.
So I’ve checked with my legal adviser and on his advice I wish to say the following to all friends and colleagues.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2019, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

I work all year 6 days a week so the kids can have a brilliant Christmas, all the presents they want,

and who gets all the credit?..that fat *word censored* with the beard

my fault for marrying her I suppose!!

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:48 pm

Talk about coincidence - BBC NEWS: Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition....

Can't believe they all had the same name....

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She told me 'Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace'

So I bought her nothing.

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

Got my missus a Rampant Rabbit for Christmas.....it’s not her favourite, but it’s up there!

It’s Christmas and David Bowie was talking with Bing Crosby.....
Bowie: why so sad Bing?
Bing: My inflatable arse has gone flat.
B: You need my rubber bum pump?
Bing: Rubber bum pump?
B: Rubber bum pump.

I got “Bonopoly” last Christmas, it's a very similar game to the original but the streets have no names..