LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

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TeeCee
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby TeeCee » Thu Dec 26, 2019 1:23 pm

Went to the pub on Christmas Eve and saw a really fat girl dancing on a Table.....
"Nice legs" I said.
She giggled and said "Do you really think so?".
"Yes, most tables would have collapsed under the weight by now!!

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TeeCee
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby TeeCee » Thu Dec 26, 2019 1:25 pm

At my last appointment I asked my doctor if I'd be OK,
He scowled and said "I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I told him I didn't believe in all that astrology crap
He said "Neither do I... my thermometer just snapped!"

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby DB10GOONER » Thu Jan 02, 2020 5:41 pm

At my last appointment I asked my doctor if I'd be OK,
He scowled and said "I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I told him I didn't believe in all that astrology crap
He said "Neither do I... my thermometer just snapped!"
:lol: :lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby DB10GOONER » Thu Jan 02, 2020 5:45 pm

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.

Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire
:lol: :lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby DB10GOONER » Thu Jan 02, 2020 5:46 pm

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."
:lol: :lol:

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Wed Feb 05, 2020 6:09 pm

Just spent the last half hour by my wife's grave.

She still thinks it's going to be a pond!

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby DB10GOONER » Thu Feb 06, 2020 7:19 am

Just spent the last half hour by my wife's grave.

She still thinks it's going to be a pond!
:lol: :lol:

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:27 am

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy fucking twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:30 am

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "Not very good at maths".

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:31 am

I saw a sign today that made me piss myself.

It said "TOILETS CLOSED"

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:33 am

I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:35 am

I have a chicken proof lawn.

Its impeccable.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:37 am

When it comes to fucking up the punchline I've been there, done that, got the tea cup.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:38 am

I've nothing against these feminists really, but I wish that they would channel all that enthusiasm into cooking and cleaning.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:40 am

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round!


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