The Gooner Forum

Suffolk Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine-harvester..while trying to steal it...has been bailed!!

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and an Afghan primary school?

No idea..I just fly the drone!

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’ He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly fookin' bitch he’s runnin’ around with.’

Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says, "sorry about that mate, I"m trying to find my wife!"The second guy says, "yeah, me too mate."The first guy says, "maybe I can help, what does she look like?"The second guy answers, "she"s tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse. What does yours look like?"The first guy replies, "FUCK, never mind her, let"s find yours!

A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q. The attendant says "Would you like a screw for that?"

She replies "No, but I"d suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a *word censored* ?" young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a pussy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the *word censored* up!"

Lonely hearts and.

"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever.

"No fat birds."

From everyone at the Asthmatic Dyslexics Society.

Happy Ventolins Day!

People say that I'm a bad person.... but I reckon they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.

I struggled so hard in the days after my wife died.

You have no idea how fucking hard it is to get confetti and glitter out of carpet.

You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw!!!

L'Oreal anti aging/anti-wrinkle skincare...

Because you were fit.

The BBC have a new cooking show, hosted by women who have been victims of domestic violence.

It's called "Can't Cook? Right Hook!"

My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.

"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.

"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.

"He fucking does now," I replied.