LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 6:43 pm
DB10GOONER wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 4:57 pm
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 12:29 pm
DB10GOONER wrote:
Mon Mar 09, 2020 5:47 pm
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Fri Mar 06, 2020 3:02 pm
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.....

Feel a bit guilty about the wan.k now
:lol: :lol: :lol:

A mate of mine was once sleeping off a serious session in my flat's living room and I had a young lady in my bedroom for a one-nighter. Much amazing and loud sex followed. Next morning my mate says "while you were sharking that dog last night I had a crafty wànk out here". Just as he finished out she walked from the kitchen. :shock:

Never saw her again. True story. :lol:
:lol: :lol:

Here's a true one too.

When I was about 16 I was banging this fit bird but we'd normally have sex round my parents house on Tuesday and Saturday when my parents used to go to the market.

Anyhow this one time round her house her parents were out but one of my mates had tagged along, in fact he was on the bottom bunk while me and this bird were on the top.

Well we got down to some light fingering and pulling on the vomiting rod, of course this led to her wanting more but gibbo (I've not changed his nickname at the time so I can embarrass him once more :lol: ) was arching his neck out to get a view.

So I flicked the light off, tipped her up and took her to heaven and back, her not being on the pill and me not having a safety jacket it was the old pull out on the vinegar stroke method.

So I whipped it out and shot my love juice all over Duran Duran, (I can still here it splatting that poster), but gibbo was still trying to get a glimpse, tbf it was probably the shortest part of a threesome ever achieved :lol:

Needless to say gibbo got millions of my potential kids all over his face, I can still hear him screaming, wretching and running to the bathroom hurling up :lol:

He actually had the front to call me the dirty fucker :shock: :lol:

Of course his new nickname was spunkface :barscarf:
:lol: :lol:

Ashley Banjo - the artist formerly known as "gibbo". :lol: :wink:
:lol:

I have so many stories of poor old gibbo and me getting him in trouble :lol:
:lol:

Everyone has THAT mate don't they. For me it was Ray who was best man at my wedding. Some of the silly shit we got up to - and the amount of times it ended up with poor old Ray in bother - was hilarious. :D

wilson2.0
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by wilson2.0 »

What do you call a scouser riding a bike?







thief.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

wilson2.0 wrote:
Thu Mar 12, 2020 8:48 am
What do you call a scouser riding a bike?







thief.
Wilson fella, I think you're on the wrong thread :? :lol:

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

Went to the doctors as not feeling great, had a thorough examination.
Doctor stated he found evidence of me having had a little stroke.

I said what do you expect, I got bored after 2 hours waiting.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I think Wilson and stu have the flu, they're delirious :shock:

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

mcdowell42 wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 10:48 pm
Went out and bought a map of the world. Put it on the wall. Told my wife "take this dart and throw it at the map. Wherever it sticks...that's where I'm taking you "
Turns out we're having 3 weeks behind the fridge...
:D

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

wilson2.0 wrote:
Thu Mar 12, 2020 8:48 am
What do you call a scouser riding a bike?







thief.

:coffeespit: :coffeespit: :coffeespit:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sat Mar 14, 2020 7:24 pm
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
:lol: :lol: :lol:

corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

Biggest joke ever.

Saint Patricks Day and not a pub open in Ireland. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

corkbarry1 wrote:
Tue Mar 17, 2020 10:37 am
Biggest joke ever.

Saint Patricks Day and not a pub open in Ireland. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored:
Now that is a tragedy, I'm sure a few over here were open and full.

Got to say though that I have two pubs within a few hundred yards of me and one in particular that is always packed all week through its restaurant is very quiet when I've driven by.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Knock Knock Whose there?

Grandad

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, butter and cheese.

Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A scouse bird goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" she replies,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" she replies

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." she says

"It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy," she says

"I just use their surnames"

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