LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.

One seems bigger than the others.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing

Hahaha - saracstic laughing

Hahahaha - Staying Alive

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've never understood the point in fire blankets.

Whose ever been in a fire and thought, "shit, it's a bit chilly in here".

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Two Dinasaurs holding hands on a beach watching a ship sail away into the sunset.

One turns to the other and says "That Noah's a Cunnt"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Almost all serial killers are men.

That's because women prefer to kill one man slowly over many many years.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A bloke is being interviewed for a job, the interviewer asks him his name.

He replies "It's David Fuck Bollocks Twat *word censored* Pissflaps Turner"

The interviewer asks "Do you suffer from Tourettes David"?

The bloke replied "No, but the Vicar at my christening did"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

As I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said, "Any last words?"

Three hours later, I shot her.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday but the wife won't let me plug it in.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My nan had one.

She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did fuck all.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

What's blue and keeps a *word censored* warm?

A Chelsea scarf.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.

I ended up having forty wanks.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.

It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.

The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I know this is futile because there is no one on this site and its understandable but if just the one person gets a smile at these crap jokes then it's worth it.

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StuartL
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Location: It’s a new dawn, a new day and I’m feeling good

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed Mar 18, 2020 9:05 pm
I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.

One seems bigger than the others.
My pick of the bunch lefty - cheers mate, we all need a bit of humour (and tits) at times like these

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