LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles.

Take one pile and throw it in the bin.

This stops you employing anyone unlucky

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

To the person who stole my antidepressants

I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I said to my co pilot,

"What the fuck is a mountain goat doing on top of that cloud?"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Marriage....because your shitty day doesn't have to end after work.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through."

A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?"

I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"

"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"

"I know, son"

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 7:16 pm
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through."

A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?"

I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."
Today’s winner :barscarf:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

StuartL wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 8:03 pm
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 7:16 pm
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through."

A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?"

I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."
Today’s winner :barscarf:
Tbh I think they'd all be fighting over a pizza now :shock:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A man is sitting on a train opposite a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she hasn't got any knickers on.

The blonde realizes he is staring and asks, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I"m sorry," replies the man,and promises to stop looking

"It"s quite alright," replies the woman, "It"s very talented, watch this, I"ll make it blow a kiss to you.

" Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely stunned, asks what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A group of guys,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.

Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before

corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

How do you post tomorrow and not today. Time traveler??

Jasus, i just did it now.

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StuartL
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Location: It’s a new dawn, a new day and I’m feeling good

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 11:05 pm
A group of guys,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.

Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before

Well I think we’ve found the place for the online Gooner get together!
Nice one lefty

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8367
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

StuartL wrote:
Fri Mar 20, 2020 3:32 pm
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 11:05 pm
A group of guys,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.

Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before

Well I think we’ve found the place for the online Gooner get together!
Nice one lefty
For what

:lol:

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shu
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by shu »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 7:13 pm
Marriage....because your shitty day doesn't have to end after work.
My son has just written in his mum's Mother's Day card , I said put loving , kind , positive mum , lol the biggest piss take ever , I bet she will be saying you told him to write it . Shit I can hear the broom stick coming up the road, better go.

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