LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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shu
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by shu »

StuartL wrote:
Sat May 23, 2020 1:20 pm
Went to the local estate agents and told him I was looking for a property with old period features.






Or the wife as she prefers to be called.







(Poetic licence used as I am happily divorced)
Very good

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 3:37 pm
The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress ....

I thought it was Fred Flintstone
:D

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly shit himself, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar calmed down. 'Warn me, you think so ? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

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IW8Goalmachine
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by IW8Goalmachine »

Postman wrote:
Mon Jun 01, 2020 7:23 am
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly shit himself, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar calmed down. 'Warn me, you think so ? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
:lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.

John F
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by John F »

Postman wrote:
Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:17 am
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.
:D

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Suffolk Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine-harvester..while trying to steal it...
has been bailed!!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I went to a pet shop and put a sign saying 'Chameleon' next to an empty cage ......

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine … Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.”

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back,
then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to End her Life by throwing herself into the Sea.

But just before she could throw herself from the Portside Wharf, a handsome Young Man ran up and stopped her.

"You have so much to Live for", said the Man..

"I'm a Sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my Ship. I'll take care of you, bring you Food every day, and keep you Happy"..??

With Nothing to Lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the Young Woman accepted.

That night the Sailor stowed her Aboard quietly and hid her in a Small but comfortable Compartment in the Ship's Hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her Three Sandwiches, a Bottle of Red Wine, and then, made mad passionate Love to her until Dawn.

Two weeks later she was Discovered by the Captain during a routine Ship's Inspection.

"What are you Doing Here Young Lady"..??? asked the Captain.

"I have an Arrangement with one of your Sailors," she replied.

"He brings me Food every day and I get a Free Trip on this Ship to Australia"..

"I See", the Captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added,

"Plus, He's Screwing Me."

"He Certainly Is," replied the Captain.

*

*

"Cos, this is the Isle of Wight Car Ferry".

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during corona-virus.

Its nothing flashy but it fits the bill.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I asked my wife if she fancied a quickie.

She replied.."As opposed to what?"

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