LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I was wondering if people are born with a photographic memory?

Or do they take time to develop ?

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I walked past a man standing outside a burning house earlier and he started screaming at me, "My wife is still in there!"
"Alright mate" I said to him, "There's no need to fucking gloat."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Spare a thought for the poor souls who have to retrieve the Colston statue from Bristol Harbour.

Let's hear it for the Quay workers.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

If anybody wants a copy of Osteopath Weekly I have back issues.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The barman asks the Rabbit, "What do you want?" The Rabbit replied,
"I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect"

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

Postman wrote:
Thu Jun 11, 2020 2:20 pm
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to End her Life by throwing herself into the Sea.

But just before she could throw herself from the Portside Wharf, a handsome Young Man ran up and stopped her.

"You have so much to Live for", said the Man..

"I'm a Sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my Ship. I'll take care of you, bring you Food every day, and keep you Happy"..??

With Nothing to Lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the Young Woman accepted.

That night the Sailor stowed her Aboard quietly and hid her in a Small but comfortable Compartment in the Ship's Hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her Three Sandwiches, a Bottle of Red Wine, and then, made mad passionate Love to her until Dawn.

Two weeks later she was Discovered by the Captain during a routine Ship's Inspection.

"What are you Doing Here Young Lady"..??? asked the Captain.

"I have an Arrangement with one of your Sailors," she replied.

"He brings me Food every day and I get a Free Trip on this Ship to Australia"..

"I See", the Captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added,

"Plus, He's Screwing Me."

"He Certainly Is," replied the Captain.

*

*

"Cos, this is the Isle of Wight Car Ferry".
:D :D

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IW8Goalmachine
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by IW8Goalmachine »

What do you call a bunch of lesbians on top of each other?

A block of flaps

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sun Jun 21, 2020 1:35 pm
I walked past a man standing outside a burning house earlier and he started screaming at me, "My wife is still in there!"
"Alright mate" I said to him, "There's no need to fucking gloat."
:lol: :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A Bus full of Nuns falls off a Cliff and they all Die.

They arrive at the Gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them, "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the “Pearly Gates”, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a Single-File Line"..??

And they do so. St. Peter turns to the First Nun in the line and asks her ,"Sister, have you ever Touched a Penis"..???

The Sister Responds, "Well, there was this One Time that I kinda, sorta Touched One with the Tip of my Pinky Finger".

St. Peter says, "Alright Sister, now Dip the Tip of your Pinky Finger in the Holy Water, and you may be Admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the Second Nun and says "Sister, have you ever Touched a Penis"..??? "Well, There was this one time that I Held One for a moment"..

"Alright Sister, now just Wash your Hands in the Holy Water, and you may be Admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a Noise, a Loud Jostling Noise, from the Back of the Line.

It seems that One Nun is trying to cut in front of another...!

St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun..

"Sister Susan, what is this..???? There is No Rush"..

Sister Susan responds "Well, maybe not for you, but if I'm going to have to Gargle this Stuff",

"I'd rather do it, before Sister Mary has to Stick her Ass in it"..

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

:D :D

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

"No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day."

The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere.

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Went to see a concert performance by the royal bermuda philharmonic orchestra .

Half way through the first symphony the triangle player vanished .

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Went to a club with the wife there was a guy on the dance floor going mental twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot .

My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it he’s still fucking celebrating!”

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?”

“Your parents when you move out.”

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