LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

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LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed and the cunnts done a bunk.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

They say '50 is the new 30'.

I still got three points on my licence though.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I like to enjoy the simple things in life.

The normal ones tell their parents.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

What’s 6 inches long, pink and makes my wife moan all day?

Her fuckin tongue!

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Sep 22, 2020 6:16 pm
I like to enjoy the simple things in life.

The normal ones tell their parents.
:lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A woman had a dog which was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart:
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erect!on and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion.
"It just worked on me." He replied

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A Guy with a 25-inch Willy went to a Doctor and said,
"I can't live with this Big Willy anymore..! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the Witch Doctor, down in the Bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the Bayou and saw the Witch Doctor.
The Witch Doctor said, "Go into the Swamp and find a Female Frog.
"Ask her to Marry You. She'll say "NO", and you'll lose 5 inches off your Member immediately".
So, he went to the Swamp and found the Female Frog and asked her, "Will you marry me"..??? "NO", she said.
And right enough, he lost 5 inches off his Member.
The Guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is still just a little too much.
So he asked the Frog again, "Will You Marry Me"..??? The Frog said,
"NO". And the Guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked her again, "Will You Marry Me"..???
And the Frog said,
*
"How many fucking times do I have to tell you.. NO..! NO..! NO...!"

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Deaf couple get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the Wife proposes a solution.
"Honey." She signs. "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left Breast one time.
If you don't want to have Sex, reach over and squeeze my right Breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his Wife. "Great idea! Now if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and pull on my Penis one time. And if you don't want to have Sex, reach over and pull on my Penis fifty times."

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A successful London banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 999.
The police were there in a couple of minutes. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!"
"How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the bus hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Bloody Hell!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Sep 22, 2020 5:44 pm
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn't learnt the word for please...

and I think that is poor for four.
:D :D

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

Postman wrote:
Mon Oct 05, 2020 6:35 pm
Deaf couple get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the Wife proposes a solution.
"Honey." She signs. "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left Breast one time.
If you don't want to have Sex, reach over and squeeze my right Breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his Wife. "Great idea! Now if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and pull on my Penis one time. And if you don't want to have Sex, reach over and pull on my Penis fifty times."
:D :D

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

The Hooker
A guy is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do
you charge?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two
casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy."

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:
Sat Oct 10, 2020 8:57 pm
The Hooker
A guy is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do
you charge?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two
casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy."
:shock:

:lol: :lol:

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

Postman wrote:
Mon Oct 12, 2020 7:17 am
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
:D Heard it before but it's still amusing. It's the way you tell it.

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