The Gooner Forum

My wife said I make love like a painter. I said "What, like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail and the result a masterpiece?" She said "No, like the council. Rush the job, leave a fucking mess and I have to finish it myself!"

Went to the doctors today suffering from premature ejaculation.
Doctor asks "I bet your wife is not best pleased with you, then?"
I said "well to be honest it's been getting on her tits!"

Transfer Update: Due to Harry Redknapp's dyslexia, Spuds have just announced the £35m signing of Eddie Izzard.

My wife has left me coz I keep getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.
The last one was in her sisters arse!!!

All men are seduced into believing they are marrying nymphomaniacs, the big problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the fucking maniac stays on!

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:My wife has left me coz I keep getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.
The last one was in her sisters arse!!!

Male Customer: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Male Customer: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

A New Zealand man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

His Australian wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck."I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eatssandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card."Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live incaravans?"says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

Postman wrote:A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck."I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eatssandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card."Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live incaravans?"says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

Hey postie.......thats my joke

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

your wasted on here Lefty

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8.

You'd better fucking be there.!!!!!

What are these fucking white stains on your boxer shorts you bastard," shrieked my wife.

"Now just calm down," I replied, "It's not what you think it is, it's toothpaste."

"Toothpaste?" she laughed, "How did you manage to get toothpaste down there you daft sod?"

"For some reason the babysitter insisted on brushing her teeth before sucking me off," I replied