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LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:04 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I was at the baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life-guard must have noticed. He blew his whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in ! !

With hindsight I should have posted on facebook that I had blown the head gasket on my 1997 "XR3i" rather than "I've just fucked a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side.

My wife came into my shed yesterday.. ''Your'e wasting your time & money on all these inventions!'' she said...
It was at this point that the Slap-a-fat-twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong...

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:04 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
Premature Ejaculator seeks young, attractive woman for fling. Must have large breasts, big lips a tight arse and... Oh, god... nevermind.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

A recent survey reported that one fifth of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:10 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering?
95% replied, "what the fuck are you doing in here?

My wife sent me a text, "Where are you?"
"I'm at my anger management meeting."
"How's it going?"
"Not good, I'll fill you in later."

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:15 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
10 useful things for women:
1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler;
2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab;
3. Face like a plasterers radio;
4. Her fanny's like a hippos yawn;
5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad;
6. Handled more balls than David James
7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout;
8. Seen more stiffs than Quincy;
9. Been cocked more times than John Waynes' shotgun;
10. Even the tide wouldn't take her out.

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:17 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
1 inch - Are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
8 inch - Fucking perfect when your drunk.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.

How do you rate your Domino pizza?

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:18 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I was watching an 18 film with my little boy earlier. He said, "dad - I'm getting scared. Is that lady going to die?".
I said, "probably son judging by the size of that horse's cock!"

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:25 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity. Afterwards he was asked how he felt. He said, "It feels a bit strange but I think it makes my cock look bigger"!

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:37 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right!

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:38 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
After our divorce I killed the wife and dumped her body but kept her minge. My new girlfriend has absolutely no inkling when I say I'm going upstairs to have a go on the ex box!!

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 6:54 pm
by mcdowell42
Out in the park one Sunday afternoon, an elderly couple heard the brass band playing a catchy tune and wondered what it might be called. The man noticed a sign close to the bandstand and said " It looks as though they list the tune titles there- I'll go and look". He returned and his wife asked what it was. " One I don't know - it's called refrain from dropping litter".

A man sits in a bar just staring at his drink for about twenty minutes. A big guy
comes up to him, takes his drink and drinks it down in one. The man starts to cry.
The big guy tells him not to cry as he was only messing about and offers to
replace his drink. "That's not the problem" said the man "What a day I have had. Started off, the alarm didn't go off so I was late for work and got sacked. Going back to my car, it wasn't there - someone had nicked it . When I got home, I realised that I must have dropped my wallet on the bus - all my money - gone. I then go upstairs to
find a note from my wife on the bed saying that she's left me. And, just when I
think about killing myself, you come along and drink my cyanide.

A man walks into a bar with tiger and they proceed to drink so much that the tiger
passes out and falls to the floor. As the man is leaving, the barman shouts to him
"Hey, you can't leave that lying there". The man replies "I know 'im drunk but
even I can see that it is a tiger not a lion'.

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 6:59 pm
by mcdowell42
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 7:08 pm
by mcdowell42
Three Prostitutes in a bar.
First Prostitute: My hole is so big, I can fit three fingers up it.
Second Prostitute: Mine is so big, I can fit my fist up it.
Third Prostitute starts to slide down the bar stool.............

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 7:10 pm
by mcdowell42
i went round to a mate's house and as I entered the living room I was shocked to find his parents sitting there stark naked. he was sat on the couch, holding his balls, with a match propping his eyes open and she was sitting opposite him with a bottle inserted into her lower abdomen. I asked what they were doing and was duly informed that they were deaf and dumb and had developed their own sign language. his mum was saying: 'get the beer out ya tight *word censored*' and his dad was saying: 'bollocks woman, can't you see i'm watching the match?

Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 11:14 am
by OneBardGooner
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.


"No, just here for a few days."


Re: Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:15 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
Just found out my mate died, overdosed on indigestion medicine. I can't believe it - Gav is gone!

Just got stopped by a little girl in Asda's in Sunderland. she said "ive lost my mummy"....i replied "whats she like"....she said " cock and bingo".

My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured and began slowly leaking industrial-grade silicone!
However, she's now had her nipple pierced and we've been able to seal around the bath, shower tray & hand basin!!

Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up her washing machine on one side with 2 bricks
' what the fuck are you doing' asks paddy
His wife replies ' doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick twat '