LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[TeeCee]

Went to the pub on Christmas Eve and saw a really fat girl dancing on a Table.....
"Nice legs" I said.
She giggled and said "Do you really think so?".
"Yes, most tables would have collapsed under the weight by now!!

[TeeCee]

At my last appointment I asked my doctor if I'd be OK,
He scowled and said "I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I told him I didn't believe in all that astrology crap
He said "Neither do I... my thermometer just snapped!"

[DB10GOONER]

At my last appointment I asked my doctor if I'd be OK,
He scowled and said "I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I told him I didn't believe in all that astrology crap
He said "Neither do I... my thermometer just snapped!"

[DB10GOONER]

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.

Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire

[DB10GOONER]

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just spent the last half hour by my wife's grave.

She still thinks it's going to be a pond!

[DB10GOONER]

Just spent the last half hour by my wife's grave.

She still thinks it's going to be a pond!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy fucking twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "Not very good at maths".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I saw a sign today that made me piss myself.

It said "TOILETS CLOSED"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have a chicken proof lawn.

Its impeccable.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When it comes to fucking up the punchline I've been there, done that, got the tea cup.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've nothing against these feminists really, but I wish that they would channel all that enthusiasm into cooking and cleaning.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round!