LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”, a tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Feeling down in the dumps overweight, unfit, thinking you're getting old, got aches and pains, stiff back?

Well just park in a disabled bay at Tesco and everyone will be sure to tell you there's fuck all wrong with you .

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after a recent operation, her husband had lost interest in sex.

The surgeon replied "all we did was restore his eyesight"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Endless love ....

Stevie wonder and ray charles playing tennis

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Husband and wife fall on hard times , he says that they have no choice, to get out of debt she must go on the game as a prossie.
He takes her to the red light district, and says "look I will be near by if there's any trouble, if you need advice text"
So she walks up and down, soon a car pulls over and a young man asks "how much love " she replies I dont know and texts her husband, he texts back "£100  for sex £70 for a blow job kinky stuff extra"
The punter says "I've only got £30" She relays this info to her husband, who  texts back .."tell the cheap *word censored* he can have a ***** for £30"..he agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his fly and flops out the biggest cock she's ever seen ..she says "hang on" and texts her husband "can you lend this bloke £70?"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I bumped into a cross eyed woman today and she shouted "You need to look where you're going!"...

I said "Fuck off, you need to go where you're looking!"

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Jul 28, 2020 9:42 am
I bumped into a cross eyed woman today and she shouted "You need to look where you're going!"...

I said "Fuck off, you need to go where you're looking!"
:lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

"A Spurs fan, an Arsenal fan and a West Ham fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The West Hamfan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.

The West Ham fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.

The Spurs fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Arsenal was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "I have a soft spot for Arsenal you play lovely football and have the best fans. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Arsenal fan replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie that Spurs fan to my back..."

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Jul 28, 2020 8:58 am
A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”, a tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”
:D :D

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:
Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:47 pm
"A Spurs fan, an Arsenal fan and a West Ham fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The West Hamfan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.

The West Ham fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.

The Spurs fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Arsenal was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "I have a soft spot for Arsenal you play lovely football and have the best fans. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Arsenal fan replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie that Spurs fan to my back..."
:lol:

Block93
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Block93 »

(This is really old, so apols if it appears earlier in this thread...)



Tracey is out on a hot date that evening, so she goes to an expensive perfume shop in preparation.

"Madame may like this one", says the posh assistant.

Tracey looks at the name. ''Veen-a-moy", she says,' "that's a really weird name for perfume''.

"Madame, it is an exclusive and very seductive French perfume. ''Vien a moi'. It means 'Come to me'."

Tracey takes a sniff. "That's funny", she says, "it doesn't smell like come to me".

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Block93 wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 4:47 pm
(This is really old, so apols if it appears earlier in this thread...)



Tracey is out on a hot date that evening, so she goes to an expensive perfume shop in preparation.

"Madame may like this one", says the posh assistant.

Tracey looks at the name. ''Veen-a-moy", she says,' "that's a really weird name for perfume''.

"Madame, it is an exclusive and very seductive French perfume. ''Vien a moi'. It means 'Come to me'."

Tracey takes a sniff. "That's funny", she says, "it doesn't smell like come to me".
:lol: :lol:

An oldie but a goldie! :lol:

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shu
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by shu »

Is Left foot banned ? I miss his jokes

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

shu wrote:
Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:09 pm
Is Left foot banned ? I miss his jokes
Nope. Don't worry, he'll be back on here with the jokes I'm sure. 8)

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

The BBC have announced that Gary Lineker has taken a 25% reduction.

Now he's just a Cun.

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